Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We have started to decorate penises.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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