Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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