I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize