Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
people are starting to question the shark bite story
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
