i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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