after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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