I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
