I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
