Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize