My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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