Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
