I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
