I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
