So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
