Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
