hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
