1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
