i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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