So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
