if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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