So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize