Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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