Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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