she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
