I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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