I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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