I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
