I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
