so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
