Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
