everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
