Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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