She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
