hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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