it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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