I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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