K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
