Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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