I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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