This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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