I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
