i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
