please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
