he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
