I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I skipped work to stalk him.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
