my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize