false alarm. still invincible.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
