I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
