my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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