He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
