I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
