took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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