Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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