Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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