So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
