Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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