I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
