I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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