I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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