Yo dont text me then not text me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
