took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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