I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
