i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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