I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
